omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
