I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
