Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
