apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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