Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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