Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
