arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
