Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
