I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
