I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
