I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
