There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
