Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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