I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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