If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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