Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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