Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
