FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
