Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
