smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
