'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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