Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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