Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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