I got chris browned last night
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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