and you said cock pushups were impossible
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize