he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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