My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
