i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize