The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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