cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
