I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
