I like my sex mixed with concussions.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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