I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
A bitchslap is in order.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
