Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
