I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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