I want to make a zoo with you.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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