i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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