I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
