"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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