Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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