Sober January is a disaster.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
