We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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