I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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