i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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