Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
