he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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