she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
