Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
