I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
