You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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