i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
