they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
