My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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