I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
either way he was missing a nipple.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize