so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
