i need an iv and a liver transplant
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
