note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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